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THE BIRDS
by Aristophanes
adapted by Sherwood Smith
from the work of an anonymous translator


Below is the adaptation I wrote of an anonymous translation of Aristophanes’ The Birds. It was successful enough that I offer it here. Except for the leads, most parts can be played by either boys or girls. It’s a simple stage setting, and requires very few props. If you choose to download and use this play for performance, you are on the honor system: instead of sending me a royalty I ask that you donate whatever you can to Reach Out Mbuya which is the on-going fund-raiser our little school supports. The moneys we raise and send to Mbuya Reach Out go to support children of AIDS parents who are either orphans or have one sick parent. Many of these children are ill as well. We have learned that many of the parents express as their dying wish that their children be educated and enabled to get away from the terrible situation in Mbuya.

CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY

EUELPIDES
PITHETAERUS
TROCHILUS, Servant to Epops
EPOPS (the Hoopoe, once Tereus)
A HERALD
A POET
AN ORACLE-MONGER
METON, a Geometrician
AN INSPECTOR
A DEALER IN DECREES
IRIS—a bird god
CINESIAS, a Dithyrambic Poet
AN INFORMER
PROMETHEUS
POSIDON
TRIBALLUS
HERACLES
PROCNE
3 MESSENGERS
CHORUS OF BIRDS—15 birds
BIRD DANCERS
LEADER OF THE CHORUS OF BIRDS
BIRDS

SCENE: Simple stage, with blue sky backdrops; at right, representing the bird world a thicket, rock, and a single tree are seen.

PROPS: two stew pots filled with “stew”, scrolls, scepter, crown, wings, branch

MUSIC: some sort of instrumental early Greek music.

NOTE: play is continuous, once curtain is drawn.



EUELPIDES and PITHETAERUS enter, each following a Bird Dancer. Euelpides carries the stew pots)


EUELPIDES (to his jay)
Do you think I should walk straight for yon tree?
PITHETAERUS (to his crow)
You blasted critter, what are you croaking to me?...to go back that-a-way?

(The birds fly over toward the thicket and back, but P. and E. do not understand.)

EUELPIDES
Aw, we are wandering around lost; we're wasting our time.
PITHETAERUS
To think that I should trust to this crow, which has made me cover
more than a thousand furlongs!
EUELPIDES
And that I, following this jay, should have worn my toes
down to the nails!
PITHETAERUS
If only I knew where we were....
EUELPIDES
Could you find your country again from here?
PITHETAERUS
No, I feel quite sure I could not.
EUELPIDES
Alas!
PITHETAERUS
Aye, aye, my friend, it's surely the road of "alases" we are
following.
EUELPIDES
That Philocrates, the bird-seller, played us a scurvy trick,
when he pretended these two guides could help us to find Tereus, the
Epops, He has indeed sold us this jay, and this crow, but what can they do?
Why, nothing whatever but bite and scratch! (To his jay, which caws and flaps)
What's the matter with you then, that you keep opening your beak? Do you want us to fling ourselves headlong down these rocks? There is no road that way.
PITHETAERUS
Not even the vestige of a trail in any direction
EUELPIDES
And what does the crow say about the road to follow?
PITHETAERUS (watching his crow caw and flap)
By Zeus, it no longer croaks the same thing it did.
EUELPIDES
And which way does it tell us to go now?
PITHETAERUS
It says that, by dint of gnawing, it will devour my fingers.
EUELPIDES
What misfortune is ours! we strain every nerve to get to the
crows, and we cannot find our way!

(He comes DOWNSTAGE and addresses the audience)

Yes, spectators, we have fled from our country as hard as
ever we could go. It's not that we hate it; we recognize it to be
great and rich, likewise that everyone has the right to ruin himself
paying taxes; but the crickets only chirrup among the fig-trees for
a month or two, whereas the Athenians spend their whole lives in
chanting forth judgments from their law-courts. That is why we started
off with a basket, a stew-pot and some myrtle boughs! and have come to
seek a quiet country in which to settle. We are going to Tereus, the
Epops, to learn from him, whether, in his aerial flights, he has
noticed some town of this kind.
PITHETAERUS
Here! look!
EUELPIDES
What's the matter?
PITHETAERUS
Why, the crow has been directing me to something up there for some
time now.
EUELPIDES
And the jay is also opening it beak and craning its neck to show
me I know not what. Clearly, there are some birds about here. We shall
soon know, if we kick up a noise to start them.
PITHETAERUS
Do you know what to do? Knock your leg against this rock.
EUELPIDES ( sets the STEW POTS down, then tries, it hurts)
Ow! You use YOUR head to knock—it’s hollow!
PITHETAERUS
Well then use a stone instead; take one and hammer with it.
EUELPIDES
Good idea! (He does so.) Ho there, within! Slave! slave!
PITHETAERUS
What's that, friend! You say, "slave," to summon Epops? It would
be much better to shout, "Epops, Epops!
EUELPIDES
Well then, Epops! Must I knock again? Epops!
TROCHILUS (rushing out of a thicket)
Who's there? Who calls my master?
PITHETAERUS (in terror)
Whoa, Apollo! what an enormous beak!
(The two old men stumble away, P. falls down, and in the confusion the jay and the crow fly away.)
TROCHILUS (equally frightened)
Uh oh! bird-catchers!
EUELPIDES (sneaky)
But we are not men.
TROCHILUS
What are you, then?
EUELPIDES (flapping elbows)
I am the Fearling, an African bird.
TROCHILUS
Oh, yeah, sure.
And this other one, what bird is it? (To PITHETAERUS) Speak up
PITHETAERUS (weakly, twiddling fingers)
I? I am a Flapple, from the land of the pheasants.
EUELPIDES
But you yourself, what animal are you?


TROCHILUS
Why, I am a slave-bird. When my master was turned into a hoopoe, he begged me to become a bird also, to follow and to serve him.
EUELPIDES
Does a bird need a servant, then?
TROCHILUS
Sure, because he was once a man. At times he wants to
eat a dish of sardines from Phalerum; I seize my dish and fly to fetch
him some. Again he wants some pea-soup; I seize a ladle and a pot
and flit to get it.
EUELPIDES
This is, then, truly a flitting-bird. Come, Trochilus, do us the
kindness to call your master.
TROCHILUS
Why, he has just fallen asleep after a feed of myrtle-berries
and a few grubs.
EUELPIDES
Never mind; wake him up.
TROCHILUS
I an; certain he will be angry. However, I will wake him to please you.
(He goes back into the thicket.)
PITHETAERUS (as soon as TROCHILUS is out of sight)
Well that was a close call!
EUELPIDES
I was so scared I lost my jay
PITHETAERUS
Ah! you big coward! you let go your jay?
EUELPIDES
And who lost his crow when he fell sprawling on the
ground? Tell me that.
PITHETAERUS
Never mind. At least we’re here.
EUELPIDES
Where is here, then?
PITHETAERUS (shrugs)
EPOPS (from within)—wears a triple headdress—and just one or two scattered ribbons for feathers
Open the thicket, that I may go out!
(He comes out of the thicket.)
EUELPIDES
By Heracles! what a creature! what plumage! What means this triple
crest?
EPOPS
Who wants me?
EUELPIDES (banteringly)
The twelve great gods have pulled a good one on you!
EPOPS
I can’t help these feathers. I have once been a man,
strangers.
EUELPIDES
What feathers?
PITHETAERUS
Why, it's your beak that looks so ridiculous to us.
EPOPS
Huh! I’ll have you know, I once was Tereus, a very important man.
EUELPIDES
You were Tereus, and what are you now? a bird or a peacock?
EPOPS
I am a bird.
EUELPIDES
Then where are your feathers? I don't see any.
EPOPS
They fell off. I moulted! But tell me, who are you?
EUELPIDES
We? We are mortals.
EPOPS
From what country?
EUELPIDES
From the land of the beautiful valleys.
EPOPS
What brings you here?
EUELPIDES
We wish to pay you a visit.
EPOPS
What for?
EUELPIDES
Because you formerly were a man, like we are, formerly you had
debts, as we have, formerly you did not want to pay them, like
ourselves; furthermore, being turned into a bird, you have when flying
seen all lands and seas. Thus you have all human knowledge as well
as that of birds. And hence we have come to you to beg you to direct
us to some cosy town, in which one can kick back, be lazy, and enjoy life
without having to work.
PITHETAEURS (jumps as if electrocuted)
Work! Terrible word!
EPOPS
Ah! You joker, I see you are fond of suffering. But there is a city of
delights such as you want. It's on the Red Sea.
EUELPIDES
Oh, no. Not a sea-port, where some fine morning the Salaminian
galley can appear, bringing a process-server along. Have you no
Greek town you can propose to us?
PITHETAERUS
. For that matter, what is it like to live with the birds? Isn’t that a pretty easy life?
EPOPS
Why, it's not a disagreeable life. In the first place, one has no purse.
EUELPIDES
Then you don’t have to worry about robbers.
PITHETAERUS
Or tax collectors!
EPOPS
No taxes, no purses, but if the gods send you to work, you better snap your wings
out, and shut your beak.
EUELPIDES
Birds have to work?

POPS
Yes! Who else is always winging about providing omens, or spying for the gods?
Birds, that’s who. And what do we get? Caught and eaten by humans! Or kept
In cages. That’s why I wasn’t so glad to see you two up here.
PITHETAERUS
We won’t harm you, we’re just a couple of old geezers. But hey!
EPOPS and EUELPIDES (look around)
What’s that?
PITHETARURS
I am beginning to see a great plan, which will transfer the
supreme power of the gods to the birds, if you will but take my advice.
EPOPS
Take your advice? In what way?
PITHETAERUS
Found a city.
EPOPS
We birds? But what sort of city should we build?
PITHETAERUS
Don’t be a feather-head! Look down.
EPOPS
I am looking.
PITHETAERUS
Now look up.
EPOPS
I am looking.
PITHETAERUS
Turn your head round.
EPOPS
Ah! it will be pleasant for me if I end in twisting my neck off!
PITHETAERUS
What have you seen?
EPOPS
The clouds and the sky.
PITHETAERUS
Very well! is not this the kingdom of the birds then?
EPOPS
Well, sure, but—
PITHETAERUS
If you build and fortify the air, you will turn your kingdom into a city. In this way you will reign over mankind as you do over the grasshoppers and you will
cause the gods to die of rabid hunger
EPOPS
How so?
PITHETAERUS
The air is between earth and heaven. When we want to go to Delphi,
we ask the Boeotians for leave of passage; in the same way, when men
sacrifice to the gods, unless the latter pay you tribute, you don't allow the
smoke of the sacrifices to pass through your city and territory.
EPOPS
What a great idea! If the other birds approve, I am going to build the city along with you. I will hasten down to the thicket to waken my dear Procne and as soon as they hear our voices, they will come to us on hot wing.

PITHETAERUS
Good bird, lose no time, please! Fly at once into the thicket and awaken Procne.
(EPOPS rushes into the thicket.)
EPOPS (from within; singing)
Chase off drowsy sleep, dear companion. Let the sacred hymn gush from thy divine throat in melodious strains; roll forth in soft cadence your refreshing melodies
SONG FEATURING WIND INSTRUMENTS
PITHETAERUS
Oh! by Zeus! what a throat that little bird possesses. He has
filled the whole thicket with honey-sweet melody!
EUELPIDES
Hush!
PITHETAERUS
What's the matter?
EUELPIDES
Be still!
PITHETAERUS
What for?
EUELPIDES
Epops is going to sing again.

BIRDS APPEAR—SOME OF THEM DANCING, OTHERS CHANT TO MUSIC
EPOPS (in the thicket, singing)
Epopopoi popoi popopopoi popoi, here, here, quick, quick, quick,
my comrades in the air; all you who pillage the fertile lands of the
husbandmen, the numberless tribes who gather and devour the barley
seeds, the swift flying race that sings so sweetly.
BIRD 1
And we whose gentle twitter resounds through the fields with the little cry of
tiotictiotiotiotiotiotio;
BIRD 2
And we who hop about the branches of the ivy in the gardens;
BIRD 3
the mountain birds, who feed on the wild olive-berries or the arbutus, hurry to come at your call, trioto, trioto, totobrix;
BIRD 4
We also, who snap up the sharp-stinging gnats in the marshy vales,
BIRD 5
and we who dwell in the fine plain of Marathon, all damp with dew,
BIRD 6
and we, the francolin with speckled wings;
BIRD 7
We too, the halcyons, who flit over the swelling waves of the sea, come hither
to hear the tidings;
EPOPS
let all the tribes of long-necked birds
assemble here; know that a clever old man has come to us, bringing
an entirely new idea and proposing great reforms. Let all come to
the debate here, here, here, here. Torotorotorotorotix, kikkabau,
kikkabau, torotorotorolililix.
EUELPIDES
Oh! oh! but he is very handsome with his wings as crimson as flame.

EPOPS
Undoubtedly; indeed he is called flamingo.
EUELPIDES
By Posidon, do you see that many-colored bird? What is his name?
EPOPS
Why, he’s the glutton!
PITHETAERUS
Oh, Posidon! look what awful swarms of birds are gathering here!
EUELPIDES
By Phoebus! what a cloud! The entrance to the stage is no longer
visible, so closely do they fly together.
PITHETAERUS
Here is the partridge.
EUELPIDES
Why, there is the francolin.
PITHETAERUS
There is the poachard.
EUELPIDES
Here is the kingfisher. (To EPOPS) What's that bird behind the king fisher?
EPOPS
That's the barber.
EUELPIDES
What? a bird a barber?
PITHETAERUS
Why, Sporgilus is one.
EPOPS
Here comes the owl.
EUELPIDES
And who is it brings an owl to Athens?
EPOPS (pointing to the various species)
Here is the magpie, the turtle-dove, the swallow, the
horned-owl, the buzzard, the pigeon, the falcon, the ring-dove, the
cuckoo, the red-foot, the red-cap, the purple-cap. the kestrel, the
diver, the ousel, the osprey, the woodpecker...
PITHETAERUS
Oh! what a lot of birds!
EUELPIDES
Oh! what a lot of beaks!
PITHETAERUS
How they scold, how they come rushing up! What a noise! what a noise!
EUELPIDES
Can they be angry with us?
PITHETAERUS
Oh! there! there! they are opening their beaks and staring at us.
EUELPIDES
Why, so they are.

END OF MUSIC, BIRDS STOP SWARMING

LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Too-whoo, woo-whoo. Where is he who called me? Where am I to find him?
EPOPS
I have been waiting for you a long while! I never fail in my word to my friends.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
What good news have you for me?
EPOPS
I tell you, two old men have come from the abode of humans to propose a
vast and splendid scheme to us.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Humans? That’s a horrible, unheard-of crime!
EPOPS
Never let my words scare you.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
What have you done?
BIRD 8
Ah! ah! we are betrayed;
BIRD 9
'tis sacrilege!
BIRD 10
Our friend, he who picked up corn-seeds in the same plains as ourselves, has violated our ancient laws;
BIRD 11
he has broken the oaths that bind all birds;
BIRD 12
he has laid a snare for us,
BIRD 13
he has handed us over to the attacks of that impious race which, throughout all time, has never ceased to war against us.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
As for this traitorous bird, we will decide his case later, but the two old men shall be punished forthwith;
BIRD 14
we are going to tear them to pieces.
PITHETAERUS
We’re bird seed!
EUELPIDES
It’s all your fault! You and your feather-brained ideas!
BIRD 15
Io! io! forward to the attack,
BIRD 3
throw yourselves upon the foe,
BIRD 7
spill his blood;
BIRD 9
take to your wings and surround them on all sides.
BIRD 11
Woe to them!
BIRD 13
let us get to work with our beaks,
BIRD 5
let us devour them.
BIRD 12
Nothing can save them from our wrath,
BIRD 10
neither the mountain forests,

BIRD 14
nor the clouds that float in the sky,
BIRD 8
nor the foaming deep.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Come, peck, tear to ribbons. Where is the chief of the cohort? Let him engage the right wing.
(They start flapping their way in a semi-circle toward the two old men, who scramble back and forth between the converging pincers.)
EUELPIDES
This is it!
PITHETAERUS
Wait! I’ve got an idea!
EUELPIDES
Better make it a quick idea!
PITHETAERUS
They want to peck us—we’ll arm ourselves with these stew-pots.
EUELPIDES
Oh! what cleverness! what inventive genius!
They clap the pots over their heads, and food (confetti) splatters down, then they start swinging and kicking blindly, bumping each other and being so crazy the birds fade back

LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Forward, forward, charge with your beaks! Come, no delay.
EPOPS (stepping in front of the CHORUS)
Oh, most cruel of all animals, why tear these two men to pieces,
why kill them? What have they done to you? They belong to the same
tribe, to the same family as my wife.

(Everyone stops)

LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Are wolves to be spared?
BIRD 4
Are they not our most mortal foes?
BIRD 6
So let us punish them.
EPOPS
If they are your foes by nature, they are your friends in heart,
and they come here to give you useful advice.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Advice or a useful word from their lips, from them, the enemies of my forebears?
EPOPS
The wise can often profit by the lessons of a foe, for caution is the mother of safety.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Well then, I agree.
BIRD 10
Yes, let us first hear them.
BIRD 6
for that is best; one can even learn something in an enemy's school.

PITHETAERUS (to EUELPIDES)
Their wrath seems to cool. Draw back a little.
EPOPS (TO BIRDS)
It's only justice, and you will thank me later.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Never have we opposed your advice up to now.
PITHETAERUS
Are we safe?
EUELPIDES
Let us remove our armor, and see.
(They take off stew pots)
LEADER OF THE CHORUS (to birds)
Return to your ranks, and let us ask these men who they are, whence they come, and with what intent. Here, Epops, answer us.
EPOPS
Are you calling me? What do you want of me?
BIRD 1
Who are they? From what country?
EPOPS
Strangers, who have come from Greece, the land of the wise.
BIRD 15
And what fate has led them hither to the land of the birds?
EPOPS
Their love for you and their wish to share your kind of life; to dwell and remain with you always.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Are they crazy?
EPOPS
They are the sanest people in the world.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Clever men?
EPOPS
The slyest of foxes, cleverness its very self.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Tell them to speak and speak quickly.
EPOPS (to two old men)
Here, you there, address the birds, tell them why I have gathered them together.
PITHETAERUS
Not I, by Apollo, unless they agree not to attack us..
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Agreed.
PITHETAERUS
Promise?
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Promises are human things—we birds keep our word in the first place!
BIRD 12
Man is a truly cunning creature, but not to be trusted.
BIRD 2
Nevertheless explain.
BIRD 4
Why did you come among us?
BIRD 10
Speak boldly, for we shall not break the truce,-until you have told us all.
PITHETAERUS
I am bursting with desire to speak; I have already mixed the dough
of my address and nothing prevents me from kneading it.
EUELPIDES
Ah…what do you mean by that?
PITHETAERUS
By Zeus, I am hunting for fine, tasty words to break down the hardness of their hearts. (To the CHORUS) I grieve so much for you, who at one time were kings...
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
We kings? Over whom?
PITHETAERUS
...of all that exists, firstly of me and of this man, even of Zeus
himself. You birds are of a kind that is older than Saturn, the Titans and the Earth.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
What, older than the Earth!
PITHETAERUS
By Phoebus, yes.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
By Zeus, but I never knew that before!
PITHETAERUS
That's because you have never read your Aesop. tells us that the lark was born
before all other creatures.
ALL BIRDS
Caw, whoop, cheep, (and make other bird noises)
PITHETAERUS
Hence, if they existed before the Earth, before the gods, the kingship belongs to them. First come, first served.
EUELPIDES
Especially when it comes to power. But sharpen your beak well; Zeus won't be in a hurry to hand over his sceptre to the woodpecker.
PITHETAERUS
It was not the gods, but the birds, who were formerly the masters and kings over men; of this I have a thousand proofs. First of all, I will point you to the rooster, who governed the Persians before all other monarchs. It's in memory of his reign that he is called the Persian bird.
EUELPIDES
For this reason also, even to-day, he alone of all the birds wears his tiara straight on his head, like the Great King.
PITHETAERUS
He was so strong, so great, so feared, that even now, on account of his ancient power, everyone jumps out of bed as soon as ever he crows at daybreak. Blacksmiths, potters, tanners, shoemakers, bathmen, corndealers, lyre-makers and armourers, all put on their shoes and go to work before it is daylight.
EUELPIDES
Formerly also the hawk was ruler and king over the Greeks.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
The Greeks?
PITHETAERUS
The cuckoo was king of Egypt and of the whole of Phoenicia. When he called out "cuckoo," all the Phoenicians hurried to the fields to reap their wheat and their barley.
EUELPIDES
So powerful were the birds that the kings of Grecian cities, Agamemnon, Menelaus, for instance, carried a bird on the tip of their sceptres.
PITHETAERUS
But the strongest proof of all is that Zeus, who now reigns, is represented as standing with an eagle on his head as a symbol of his royalty; his daughter has an owl, and Phoebus, as his servant, has a hawk.
EUELPIDES
By Demeter, you’re right. But what are all these birds doing in heaven?
PITHETAERUS
When anyone sacrificed these birds were supposed to take their share before Zeus.
PITHETAERUS
Thus it is clear that you were once great and sacred, but now you are looked upon as slaves, as fools, stones are thrown at you as at raving madmen, even in holy places. A crowd of bird-catchers sets snares, traps, limed twigs and nets of all sorts
for you; you are caught, you are sold in heaps.
BIRD 7
Man, your words have made my heart bleed—
BIRD 13
I have groaned over the treachery of our ancestors!
BIRD 11
They knew not how to transmit to us the high rank they held from their forefathers.
BIRD 15
But 'tis a benevolent Genius, a happy Fate, that sends you to us.
BIRD 1
You shall be our deliverer
BIRD 8
And we shall place the destiny of my little ones and my own in your hands
with every confidence.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
But hasten to tell us what must be done; we should not be worthy
to live, if we did not seek to regain our royalty by every possible means.
PITHETAERUS
First I advise that the birds gather together in one city and that
they build a wall of great bricks, like that at Babylon, round the
plains of the air and the whole region of space that divides earth
from heaven.
EPOPS
Oh, Cebriones! oh, Porphyrion! what a terribly strong place!
EUELPIDES
Then, when that’s done, you demand back the empire from Zeus. He must surrender his powerful scepter back to the birds!
PITHETAERUS
if he will not agree, if he refuses and does not at once confess himself beaten, you declare a sacred war against him and forbid the gods henceforward to pass through your sky kingdom!
EUELPIDES
You send another messenger to mankind, who will proclaim to them that the birds are kings, that for the future they must first of all sacrifice to them, and only afterwards to the gods; that it is fitting to appoint to each deity the bird that has most in common with it.
PITHETAERUS
For instance, are they sacrificing to Aphrodite, let them at the same time offer barley to the coot; are they immolating a sheep to Posidon, let them consecrate wheat in honor of the duck;

EUELPIDES
if a steer is being offered to Heracles, let honey-cakes be dedicated to
the gull; if a goat is being slain for King Zeus, there is a King-Bird, the wren, to whom the sacrifice of a male gnat is due before Zeus himself even.
EPOPS
This notion of an immolated gnat delights me! And now let the
great Zeus thunder!
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
But how will mankind recognize us as gods and not as jays? Us, who
have wings and fly?
PITHETAERUS
Silly! Hermes is a god and has wings and flies, and so do many other gods. You just need that scepter, so that you can send out thunderbolts, and believe me, everyone will see your power at once!
EPOPS
But will not Zeus use the scepter instead, and send thunderbolts against us?
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
If men in their blindness do not recognize us as gods and so
continue to worship the dwellers in Olympus?
PITHETAERUS
Then a cloud of sparrows greedy for corn must descend upon their
fields and eat up all their seeds; we shall see then if Demeter will
mete them out any wheat.
EUELPIDES
By Zeus, she'll take good care she does not, and you will see
her inventing a thousand excuses.
PITHETAERUS
The crows too will prove your divinity to them by attacking their flocks
and then let Apollo cure them, since he is a physician and is paid for the purpose.
EUELPIDES
If on the other hand they recognize that you are God, the
principle of life, that. you are Earth, Saturn, Posidon, they shall be
loaded with goodies.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Tell us about the goodies.
BIRDS DANCE AROUND, HOOTING OR REPEATING THE WORD “GOODIES”
PITHETAERUS
Firstly, the locusts shall not eat up their vine-blossoms; a
legion of owls and kestrels will devour them. Moreover, the gnats
and the gallbugs shall no longer ravage the figs; a flock of
thrushes shall swallow the whole host down to the very last.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
And how shall we give wealth to mankind? This is what humans want most.
PITHETAERUS
When they consult the omens, you will point them to the richest
mines, and not another shipwreck will happen or sailor perish.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
No more shall perish? How is that?
PITHETAERUS
Before they start on a voyage, some
bird will not fail to say, "Don't start! there will be a storm," or
else, "Go! you will make a most profitable venture."

EUELPIDES
You will tell them where they can find any buried treasure you birds witnesses
From the skies above. Do not all men say, "I don’t know where I heard about it—except some little birdie told me."
EUELPIDES
I shall sell my boat and buy a spade to unearth the vessels.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
And how are we to give them health, which belongs to the gods?
PITHETAERUS
If they are happy, is not that the chief thing towards health? The
miserable person is never well.
EPOPS
Ah! ah! these are far better kings for us than Zeus!
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Old man, whom I detested, you are the greatest. I love your plan!
BIRD 2
Inspirited by your words, I threaten my rivals the gods
BIRD 14
And I swear that if you march in alliance with me against the gods and are
faithful to our just, loyal and sacred bond, we shall soon have captured their sceptre,
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
We shall follow your orders at once!
EPOPS
By Zeus! No time to delay! Now, come, fly up to my nest built of brushwood and blades of straw, and tell me your names.
PITHETAERUS
That is soon done; my name is Pithetaerus, and his, Euelpides, of the deme Crioa.
EPOPS
Good! and good luck to you.
EPOPS
Let us fly.
PITHETAERUS
You are the one who must lead us and introduce us.
(Epops starts to fly away.)
PITHETAERUS (stopping himself)
Oh! Do come back here. Hi! tell us how we are to follow you. You can fly, but we cannot.
EPOPS
Well, well.
PITHETAERUS
Remember Aesop's fables. It is told there that the fox fared very badly, because he had made an alliance with the eagle.
EPOPS
Be at ease. You shall eat a certain root and wings will grow on your shoulders.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Hi! Epops! do you hear me?
EPOPS
What's the matter?
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Take them off to dine well and call your mate, the melodious Procne, whose songs are worthy of the Muses; she is an artist among the songbirds.


PITHETAERUS
Oh! I conjure you, accede to the wishes of Epops. Food and song is just What we like best!
EPOPS
Let is be as you desire. Come forth, Procne, show yourself to
these strangers.
(PROCNE appears—a GOLDEN BIRD.)
PITHETAERUS
Oh! great Zeus! what a beautiful bird! what a graceful
form! what brilliant plumage!
EUELPIDES
She is dazzling all over with gold. Oh! Her song must be inspired by the gods!
(EPOPS goes into the thicket, followed by PITHETAERUS and
EUELPIDES.)
SECOND SONG—MUSIC PLAYS WHILE BIRDS CHANT
BIRD 3
Lovable golden bird, whom I cherish above all others
BIRD 5
charm me with your grace.
BIRD 9
Come, you, who play spring melodies upon the harmonious flute,
BIRD 13
lead off our anapests.
PROCNE
Weak mortals, chained to the earth, creatures of clay as frail
as the foliage of the woods, you unfortunate race, whose life is but
darkness, as unreal as a shadow, the illusion of a dream, hearken to
us, who are immortal beings, ethereal, ever young and occupied with
eternal thoughts, for we shall teach you about all celestial matters;
PROCNE BEGINS TO DANCE
BIRD 11
you shall know thoroughly what is the nature of the birds,
BIRD 7
what the origin of the gods, of the rivers, of Erebus, and Chaos;
BIRD 15
thanks to us, even Prodicus will envy you your knowledge.
BIRD 2
And what important services do not the birds render to mortals!
BIRD 4
First of all, they mark the seasons for them, springtime, winter,
and autumn.
BIRD 6
Does the screaming crane migrate to Libya,-it warns the
husbandman to sow, the pilot to take his ease beside his tiller hung
up in his dwelling, and Orestes to weave a tunic, so that the rigorous
cold may not drive him any more to strip other folk.
BIRD 8
When the hawk reappears, he tells of the return of spring and of the period when the
fleece of the sheep must be clipped.
BIRD 10
Is the swallow in sight? We are your Ammon, Delphi, Dodona, your Phoebus Apollo.


BIRD 12
Before undertaking anything, whether a business transaction, a marriage, or the
purchase of food, you consult the birds by reading the omens,
BIRD 14
And you give this name of omen to all signs that tell of the future.
(More and more rapidly from here on.)
BIRD 1
If you recognize us as gods,
BIRD 3
we shall be your divining Muses,
BIRD 5
through us you will know the winds and the seasons,
BIRD 7
summer, winter, and the temperate months.
BIRD 9
We shall not withdraw ourselves to the highest clouds
ALL BIRDS--
like Zeus!
BIRD 9
but shall be among you
BIRD 11
and shall give to you and to your children
BIRD 13
and the children of your
children,
BIRD 15
health and wealth,
BIRD 7
long life,
BIRD 4
peace,
BIRD 13
youth,
BIRD 2
laughter,
BIRD 12
songs and feasts;
BIRD 1
in short, you will all be happy!.
PROCNE
There is nothing more useful nor more pleasant than to have wings.
MUSIC ENDS
LEADER OF THE CHORUS (points at audience)
To begin with, just let us suppose a spectator to be dying with hunger and to be weary of the choruses of the tragic poets; if he were winged, he would fly off, go home to dine and come back with his stomach filled
(PITHETAERUS and EUELPIDES return—from opposite ends of the stage; they now have really silly wings.)
PITHETAERUS
Halloa! What's this? By Zeus! I never saw anything so funny in all my life.
EUELPIDES
What makes you laugh?

PITHETAERUS
Your little wings. D'you know what you look like? Like a goose painted by a four-year-old.
EUELPIDES
And you look like a moulted blackbird.
EPOPS
Come now, what must be done?
PITHETAERUS
First give our city a great and famous name, then sacrifice to the gods.
EUELPIDES
I think so too.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Let's see. What shall our city be called?
PITHETAERUS
Will you have a high-sounding Laconian name? Shall we call it Sparta?
EUELPIDES
No way! That’s a rough name, not a fabulous one!
PITHETAERUS
Well then, what name can you suggest?
EUELPIDES
Some name borrowed from the clouds, from these lofty regions in
which we dwell-in short, some well-known name.
PITHETAERUS
Do you like Cloud Cuckoo Land?
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Oh! capital! truly that's a brilliant thought!
EUELPIDES
Is it in Cloud Cuckoo Land that all the wealth of Theogenes and most of Aeschines' is?
PITHETAERUS
No, it's rather the plain of Phlegra, where the gods withered the pride of the sons of the Earth with their shafts of fire.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Oh! what a splendid city! But what god shall be its patron?
EUELPIDES
Why not choose Athene Polias?
PITHETAERUS
Oh! what a well-ordered town it would be to have a female deity armed from head to foot!
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Who then shall guard the new kingdom?
PITHETAERUS
The birds!
(HALF THE BIRDS LEAVE BEHIND EPOPS)
PITHETAERUS
Ah! Now the birds shall build the wall, guard it, keep the gods out…and we two will relax to our well earned rest~
EUELPIDES
Well earned indeed, and not a moment too late!
(A POET enters, wearing tattered clothes.)
POET
Oh, Muse! celebrate happy Cloud Cuckoo Land in your hymns.

PITHETAERUS
What have we here? Where did you come from, tell me? Who are you?
POET
I am she whose language is sweeter than honey, the zealous slave of
the Muses, as Homer has it.
PITHETAERUS
You a slave! and yet you wear your hair long?
POET
No, but the fact is all we poets are the assiduous slaves of the
Muses, according to Homer.
PITHETAERUS
In truth your cloak is quite holy too through zeal! But, poet, what ill wind drove you here?
POET
I have composed verses in honour of your Cloud Cuckoo Land, a host of splendid dithyrambs and parthenia worthy of Simonides himself.
PITHETAERUS
And when did you compose them? How long since?
POET
Oh! 'tis long, aye, very long, that I have sung in honor of this city.
PITHETAERUS
But I am only celebrating its foundation today; I have only just named it.
POET
Coincidence.
( while old men look totally confused, quickly takes from a pocket a lot of tattered, crumpled poems, and begins reading in a droning voice)
"Just as the chargers fly with the speed of the wind, so does
the voice of the Muses take its flight. Oh! thou noble founder of
the town of Aetna, thou, whose name recalls the holy sacrifices,
make us such gift as thy generous heart shall suggest."
(She puts out her hand.)
Five gold pieces will do for a start. (Shakes poems) And I have lots more! (Starts looking through them)
EUELPIDES
You know what I think? I think this poet has been kicked out of every city.
PITHETAERUS
Her poems are pretty boring.
EUELPIDES
And her voice is worse. Yet she wants gold?
PITHETAERUS
She will drive us silly if we do not get rid of her by some present. (To a BIRD) Here! you, go see if Epops used to have human clothes, and give them to this clever poet.
(BIRD RUSHES BEHIND BUSHES, COMES OUT WITH LENGTH OF MATERIAL)
EUELPIDES
Come, take this cloth; you look to me to be shivering with cold.
POET
My Muse will gladly accept this gift; but engrave these verses of Pindar's on your mind. "Phoebus of the golden throne, celebrate this shivery, freezing city; I have travelled through fruitful and snow-covered plains. Tralala! Tralala!"
PITHETAERUS
Oh! what a pest! It's impossible then to get rid of her!

POET
"Straton wanders among the Scythian nomads, but has no linen garment. He is sad at only wearing an animal's pelt and no tunic." Do you get what I mean?
PITHETAERUS
I understand that you want more goodies. But that’s all we have, in the bird world.
POET
Oh! In that case I am going. Fare well.
(Wraps material around herself, leaves)
PITHETAERUS
Phew, good riddance. Now, to get started on our relaxing!
(They settle down, but when an ORACLE-MONGER enters, holding a scroll, they scramble up again.)
ORACLE-MONGER
Let not the goat be sacrificed.
PITHETAERUS
Who are you?
ORACLE-MONGER
Who am I? An oracle-monger.
PITHETAERUS
Get out!
ORACLE-MONGER
Wretched man, insult not sacred things. For there is an oracle
of Bacis, which exactly applies to Cloud Cuckoo Land.
PITHETAERUS
Why did you not reveal it to me before I founded my city?
ORACLE-MONGER
The divine spirit was against it.
PITHETAERUS
Well, we don’t want any bad luck.
EUELPIDES
Maybe we’d better listen.
ORACLE-MONGER (in portentous voice)
"But when the wolves and the white crows shall dwell together between Corinth and Sicyon..."
PITHETAERUS
But how do the Corinthians concern me?
ORACLE-MONGER
It is the regions of the air that Bacis indicates in this manner. "They must first sacrifice to Pandora, and give the prophet who first reveals my words a good cloak and new sandals."
PITHETAERUS (trying to look at scroll)
Does it say sandals there?
ORACLE-MONGER (waves scroll around so Pithetaerus keeps running back and forth trying to get a peek)
Look at the scroll. "And besides this a goblet of wine and a good share of all the feasts of celebration."
EUELPIDES
All the feasts? Does it say that?
(The two old men begin chasing the Oracle Monger around the stage, trying to get at the scroll.)



ORACLE-MONGER
Look at the scroll. "If you do as I command, divine youth, you shall be an eagle among the clouds; if not, you shall be neither turtle-dove, nor eagle, nor wooodpecker."
PITHETAERUS
Where does it say all that?
ORACLE-MONGER (shake scroll so they can’t see it, point finger at it)
Look at the scroll. It is all written as foretold!
PITHETAERUS (stops, looks angry)
This oracle in no sort of way resembles the one Apollo dictated to me: "If an impostor comes without invitation to annoy you during the sacrifice and to demand a share of the victim, give him a few good kicks."
ORACLE-MONGER (stops, staring)
Apollo said that?
PITHETAERUS (point down at the ground)
Go to Athens and—
EUELPIDES and PITHETAERUS together:
Look at the scroll!
ORACLE-MONGER
Oh! unfortunate wretch that I am.
(departs.)
PITHETAERUS
Away with you, and take your prophecies elsewhere.
(Enter METON, With surveying instruments.)
METON
I have come to you...
PITHETAERUS (interrupting)
Yet another pest! What have you come to do? What's your plan? What's the purpose of your journey? Why these splendid buskins?
METON
I want to survey the plains of the air for you and to parcel them into lots.
PITHETAERUS
In the name of the gods, who are you?
METON
Who am I? Meton, known throughout Greece and at Colonus.
PITHETAERUS
What are these things?
METON
Tools for measuring the air. In truth, the spaces in the air have precisely the form of a furnace. With this bent ruler I draw a line from top to bottom; from one of its points I describe a circle with the compass. Do you understand?
PITHETAERUS
Not in the least.
METON
With the straight ruler I set to work to inscribe a square within this circle; in its centre will be the market-place, into which all the straight streets will lead, converging to this centre like a star, which, although only orbicular, sends forth its rays in a straight line from all sides. Of course, my fee for this fine and necessary work is only a dozen gold pieces—
(THE TWO OLD MEN EXCHANGE LOOKS, NOD, RUB HANDS)
PITHETAERUS
O Meton...

METON
Ten gold pieces, but only if you want less of my fine talent.
EUELPIDES
We want to give you a proof of our friendship. Use your legs.
METON
Legs? Surveyors do not use their legs!
PITHETAERUS
It's the same here as in Sparta. Strangers are driven away, and blows rain down as thick as hail.
EUELPIDES
We are agreed to sweep all quacks and impostors far from our borders.
METON
Oh, Ahem. Um. Guess I'll be going.
PITHETAERUS (waving to BIRDS, who begin to flap their wings and come in menacingly)
I'm afraid it's too late. The thunder growls already.
METON
Oh, woe! oh, woe!
(METON takes to his heels. He is no sooner gone than an INSPECTOR arrives.)
INSPECTOR
Where are the bird people?
PITHETAERUS
Who is this character?
INSPECTOR
I have been appointed by lot to come to Cloud Cuckoo Land. As inspector.
PITHETAERUS
An inspector! and who sends you here, you rascal?
INSPECTOR
A decree of Teleas.
PITHETAERUS
Will you just pocket your salary, do nothing, and get out?
INSPECTOR
Oh, sure I will! I see that you understand how the inspecting business is done,
And so I’ll have my twenty-five gold pieces now, for I am urgently needed to be at Athens to attend the Assembly, and defend my fine calling. Can you imagine? People are actually saying we are corrupt!
PITHETAERUS
Take it then, and get on your way. This is your salary.
(Snaps fingers—birds start to move in.)
INSPECTOR
What does this mean?
PITHETAERUS
This is the assembly where you have to defend your skin!
(Birds chase Inspector around the stage, he howls and jumps, then dives behind the bushes; from the other side of the stage A DEALER IN DECREES arrives.)
DEALER IN DECREES (reading from scroll)
"If the Cloud Cuckoo Land does wrong to the Athenian..."
PITHETAERUS
What trouble now? What scroll is that?
DEALER IN DECREES
I am a dealer in decrees, and I have come here to sell you, for a modest fee of fifty gold pieces, the new laws.

PITHETAERUS
Which new laws?
DEALER IN DECREES
"The Cloud Cuckoo Landns shall adopt the same weights, measures and decrees as the Olophyxians."
PITHETAERUS
You’d better get out of here with your decrees! For I am going to let you see some severe ones.
(The DEALER IN DECREES sneaks away, but stays, peeking out as the INSPECTOR comes out of hiding.)
INSPECTOR (returning)
Why pick on me? Inspectors always get something for nothing!
PITHETAERUS
Ha! my friend! are you still here?
EUELPIDES
We’ll give you something! Birds!
. (The DEALER IN DECREES also returns.)
DEALER IN DECREES
"Should anyone drive away the magistrates and not receive them,
according to the decree duly posted..."
PITHETAERUS
What! rascal! you are back too?
(He snaps his fingers and the Birds chase both the Inspector and the Dealer in Decrees off-stage in either direction.)
DEALER IN DECREES (as he scoots off stage)
Woe to you! I'll have you condemned to a fine of ten thousand drachmae. (Exits)
PITHETAERUS
Now, we can finally settle down, and—
(They and the Birds settle, but then a Messenger appears.)
EUELPIDES
Ah! here comes one running himself out of breath as though he were in the Olympic
stadium.
MESSENGER 1(running back and forth)
Where, where, where is he? Where, where, where is he? Where, where, where is he? Where is Pithetaerus, our leader?
PITHETAERUS
Here am I.
MESSENGER 1(points to sky)
The wall is finished.
PITHETAERUS
That's good news.
MESSENGER 1
It's a most beautiful, a most magnificent work of art. The wall is so broad that Apollo and his brethren could pass each other in their chariots, even if they were drawn by steeds as big as the Trojan horse.
PITHETAERUS
That's fine!
MESSENGER 1
Its length is one hundred stadia; I measured it myself.
PITHETAERUS
A decent length, by Posidon! And who built such a wall?
(Rest of BIRDS REAPPEAR)

BIRD 1
Birds! Birds did all the work!
BIRD 3
They had neither Egyptian brickmaker, nor stone-mason,
BIRD 1
nor carpenter;
BIRD 3
the birds did it all themselves;
MESSENGER 1
I could hardly believe my eyes.
BIRD 15
Thirty thousand cranes came from Libya with a supply of stones,
BIRD 13
intended for the foundations.
BIRD 15
The water-rails chiseled them with their beaks.
BIRD 10
Ten thousand storks were busy making bricks;
BIRD 9
plovers and other water fowl carried water into the air.
PITHETAERUS
And who carried the mortar?
MESSENGER 1
Herons, in hods.
MESSENGER
You should have seen how eagerly the ducks carried bricks.
BIRD 11
The swallows came flying to the work,
BIRD 12
their beaks full of mortar and their trowels on their backs.
PITHETAERUS
Who did the woodwork?
MESSENGER 1
Birds again!
BIRD 6
and clever carpenters they are too, the pelicans, for they squared up the gates with their beaks in such a fashion that one would have thought they were using axes;
BIRD 4
the noise was just like a dockyard.
BIRD 5
Now the whole wall is tight everywhere,
BIRD 7
securely bolted and well guarded;
BIRD 3
it is patrolled, bell in hand;
BIRD 5
the sentinels stand everywhere and beacons burn on the towers.
MESSENGER 1
Now you know everything. I must run off; the rest is your business.
(Messenger 1 departs.)
LEADER OF THE CHORUS (to PITHETAERUS)
Well! what do you say to it? Are you not astonished at the wall being completed so quickly?
PITHETAERUS
By the gods, yes, and with good reason. It's really not to be believed. But here comes another messenger from the wall to bring us some further news! What a fighting look he has!
SECOND MESSENGER (rushing in)
Alas! alas! alas! alas! alas! alas!
EUELPIDES
What's the matter?
SECOND MESSENGER
A horrible outrage has occurred; a god sent by Zeus has passed through our gates and has penetrated the realms of the air without the knowledge of the jays, who are on guard in the daytime.
PITHETAERUS
It's a terrible and criminal deed. What god was it?
SECOND MESSENGER
We don't know that. All we know is, that she has got wings.
EUELPIDES
Why were not patrol birds sent against her at once?
SECOND MESSENGER
We have dispatched thirty thousand hawks of the legion of Mounted Archers. All the hook-clawed birds are moving against him, the kestrel, the buzzard, the vulture, the great-horned owl; they cleave the air so that it resounds with the flapping of their wings; they are looking everywhere for the god, who cannot be far away; indeed, if I mistake not,she is coming from yonder side.
PITHETAERUS
Get ready to fight, birds! Wings up, talons ready, beaks poised to stab and peck!
BIRD 6
War, a terrible war is breaking out between us and the gods!
LEADER OF THE CHORS
Come, let each one guard Air, the son of Erebus, in which the clouds float.
EPOPS
Take care no immortal enters it without your knowledge.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Scan all sides with your glance. Hark! methinks I can hear the rustle of the swift wings of a god from heaven.
(Birds fly out—capture IRIS—she’s a bird.)
EUELPIDES
Hi! you! where, where, are you flying to? Halt, don't stir! keep motionless! not a beat of your wing! (She pauses in her flight.) Who are you and from what country? You must say whence you come.
IRIS
I come from the abode of the Olympian gods.
PITHETAERUS
What's your name?
IRIS
I am swift Iris.
PITHETAERUS
Let a buzzard rush at her and seize her.
IRIS
Seize me? But what do all these insults mean?
PITHETAERUS
Woe to you!

IRIS
I do not understand it.
PITHETAERUS
By which gate did you pass through the wall, wretched bird?
IRIS
By which gate? Why, great gods, I don't know.
PITHETAERUS
You hear how she’s laughing at us. Did you present yourself to the officers in command of the jays? You don't answer. Have you a permit, bearing the seal of the storks?
IRIS
Am I dreaming?
PITHETAERUS
Did you get one?
IRIS
Are you mad?
PITHETAERUS
No head-bird gave you a safe-conduct?
IRIS
A safe-conduct to me. You poor fool!
PITHETAERUS
Ah! and so you snuck into this city on the sly and into these realms of air-land that don't belong to you.
IRIS
And what other roads can the gods travel?
PITHETAERUS
By Zeus! I don’t know, and I don’t care, not I. But they won't pass this way again, on pain of death.
IRIS
I am immortal.
PITHETAERUS
Where are you flying to?
IRIS
I am the messenger of Zeus to mankind, I am going to tell them to sacrifice to the gods, at once, lest the gods get very, very angry.
EUELPIDES
Of which gods are you speaking?
IRIS
Of which? Why, of ourselves, the gods of heaven.
PITHETAERUS
Men now adore the birds as gods, and it's to them, by Zeus, that they must offer sacrifices, and not to Zeus at all!
IRIS (in tragic style)
Oh! fool! fool! fool! Rouse not the wrath of the gods, for it is terrible indeed. Armed with the brand of Zeus, justice would annihilate your race; the lightning would strike you.
PITHETAERUS
Here! that's enough tall talk. Just you listen and keep quiet! Do you think to frighten me with your big words? Know, that if Zeus worries me again, I shall go at the head of my eagles, who are armed with lightning, and reduce his dwelling to cinders. I shall send more than six hundred porphyrions clothed in leopards' skins up to heaven against him; and formerly a single Porphyrion gave him enough to do.

IRIS
May you perish, you wretch, you and your infamous words!
PITHETAERUS
Won't you get out of here quickly? Come, stretch your wings or look out for squalls!
IRIS
My father will punish you for your insults...
(She flies away.)
PITHETAERUS
Ha!... but just you be off elsewhere to roast younger folk than us
with your lightning.
LEADER OF CHORUS
We forbid the gods, the sons of Zeus, to pass through our city and the mortals to send them the smoke of their sacrifices by this road.
PITHETAERUS
It's odd that the messenger we sent to the mortals has never returned.
EUELPIDES
Nay, here he is at last!
(The HERALD enters, wearing a golden garland on his head.)
HERALD
Oh! blessed Pithetaerus, very wise, very illustrious, very gracious, thrice happy, very...Come, prompt me, somebody, do!
PITHETAERUS
Get to your story!
HERALD
All peoples are filled with admiration for your wisdom, and they award you this golden crown.
PITHETAERUS
I accept it. But tell me, why do the people admire me?
HERALD
Oh you, who have founded so illustrious a city in the air, you know not in what esteem men hold you and how many there are who burn with desire to dwell in it. Before your city was built, all men had a mania for Sparta; hard work and war were held in honor. Now all is changed. Firstly, as soon as it's dawn, they all spring out of bed together to go and seek their food, the same as you do; then they fly off
towards the notices and finally devour the decrees. The bird-madness is so clear that many actually bear the names of birds. Out of love for the birds they repeat all the songs which concern the swallow, the teal, the goose or the pigeon; in each verse you see wings, or at all events a few feathers. This is what is happening down there. Finally, there are more than ten thousand folk who are coming here from earth to ask you for feathers and hooked claws; so, mind you supply yourself with wings for the immigrants.
PITHETAERUS
Ah! by Zeus, there's no time for idling. Epops, summon Trochilus!
TROCHILUS
I am here, o great masters. What is your bidding?
EUELPIDES
Go as quick as possible and fill every hamper, every basket you can find with wings.
EPOPS
This town will soon be inhabited by a crowd of humans.
LEADER OF CHOURS
Fortune favors us alone and thus they have fallen in love with our city.

PITHETAERUS (to Trochilus who brings in a basket full of wings)
Come, hurry up and bring them along.
TROCHILUS (comes in, taking his time)
Will not man find here everything that can please him-wisdom, love, the divine Graces, the sweet face of gentle peace?
PITHETAERUS
Oh! you lazy servant! won't you hurry yourself?
EPOPS
Let that basket of wings be brought speedily. Come, and put some life into him; he is as lazy as an old goat.
PITHETAERUS and EUELPIDES
Hey!
EPOPS
Excuse me. Trochilus is a great craven.
PITHETAERUS
Now put this heap of wings in order.
(the dithyrambic poet CINESIAS arrives.)
CINESIAS (singing very pompously)
"On my light pinions I soar off to Olympus; in its capricious flight my Muse flutters along the thousand paths of poetry in turn..."
PITHETAERUS
This is a fellow will need a whole shipload of wings.
CINESIAS (singing even more pompously)
"...and being fearless and vigorous, it is seeking fresh outlet."
PITHETAERUS
Welcome, Cinesias, you crazy old fool! Why have you come here Hallooing and bellowing?
CINESIAS (singing)
"I want to become a bird, a tuneful nightingale."
PITHETAERUS
Enough of that yodeling. Tell me what you want.
CINESIAS
Give me wings and I will fly into the topmost airs to gather fresh songs in the clouds, in the midst of the vapors and the fleecy snow.
PITHETAERUS
Gather songs in the clouds?
CINESIAS
'Tis on them the whole of our latter-day art depends. The most brilliant dithyrambs are those that flap their wings in empty space and are clothed in mist and dense obscurity. To appreciate this, just listen.
PITHETAERUS
Oh! no, no, no!
CINESIAS
By Hermes! but indeed you shall. (He sings.) "I shall travel through thine ethereal empire like a winged bird, who cleaveth space with his long neck..."
PITHETAERUS
Stop! Way enough!
CINESIAS
"...as I soar over the seas, carried by the breath of the winds..."
PITHETAERUS
By Zeus! I'll cut your breath short.
(He picks up a pair of wings and tries to cover CINESIAS' face with them.)

CINESIAS
You are making fun of me, but we poets must always be in fashion, and right
now the fashion is for wings! Wings and beaks! (flaps arms and dances around )
EUELPIDES
If we give him wings, he’ll go bellow in Athens.
PITHETAERUS
Trochilus, a pair of wings, and make it snappy!
(Trochilus gives Cinesias wings.)
CINESIAS
Now I am right in fashion! I must go while I can still build a nest for the in crowd!
(CINESIAS departs and an INFORMER arrives.)
INFORMER
What are these birds with downy feathers, who look so pitiable to me? Tell me, oh swallow with the long dappled wings.
PITHETAERUS
Oh! it's a regular invasion that threatens us. Here comes another one, humming along.
INFORMER
Where is he who gives out wings to all comers?
PITHETAERUS
Here I am, but you must tell me for what purpose you want them.
INFORMER
Ask no questions. I want wings, and wings I must have.
PITHETAERUS
Do you want to fly straight to Hellene?
INFORMER
I? Why, I am an accuser of the islands, an informer...
EUELPIDES
A “fine” trade, truly!
INFORMER
...a hatcher of lawsuits. Hence I have great need of wings to prowl round the cities and drag people before justice.
PITHETAERUS
So you make it your trade to denounce strangers?
INFORMER
Well, and why not? I don't know how to dig.
PITHETAERUS
But, by Zeus! there are honest ways of gaining a living at your age without spying and tattling on people.
INFORMER
My friend, I am asking you for wings, not for words.
PITHETAERUS
It's just my words that gives you wings.
INFORMER
And how can you give a man wings with your words?
PITHETAERUS
They all start this way.
INFORMER
How?
PITHETAERUS
Words give wings to the mind and make a person soar to heaven. Thus I hope that my wise words will give you wings to fly to some less degrading trade.

INFORMER
But I do not want to.
PITHETAERUS
What do you reckon on doing, then?
INFORMER
I love my job! Minding other people’s business and blabbing to the authorities is such fun! Quick, give me some light, swift hawk or kestrel wings, so that I may fly to the islanders, spy around, then hasten back there again on flying pinions to tell on anyone I saw breaking laws or rules or decrees.
PITHETAERUS
I see. In this way the people you tattle on will be in trouble before they can even
defend themselves?
INFORMER
That's just it.
PITHETAERUS
And while the authorities are busy hauling them in for trouble, you are already on your way to find a new victim—and maybe help yourself to the belongings of the old victim.
INFORMER
You've hit it, precisely; I must whirl hither and thither like a perfect humming-top.
PITHETAERUS (holds up a branch)
I catch the idea. Wait, I've got some fine Corcyraean wings. How do you like them?
INFORMER
Oh! woe is me! Why, it's a branch!
PITHETAERUS
No, no; these are the wings, I tell you, that make the top spin.
INFORMER (as PITHETAERUS starts chasing him away, waving the branch threateningly)
Oh! oh! oh!
PITHETAERUS
Take your flight, clear off, you miserable insect, or you will soon see what comes of tattling and spying.
(The INFORMER flees.)
EUELPIDES
Come, let us gather up our wings and withdraw before we get any more ugly customers
(Birds take the baskets away.)
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
In my ethereal flights I have seen many things new and strange and wondrous beyond belief. Far away in the regions of darkness, where no ray of light ever
enters, there is a country, where men sit at the table of the heroes and dwell with them always.
(PROMETHEUS enters, masked to conceal his identity—not a god mask, but another—we used red, to represent fire--and carrying an umbrella.)
PROMETHEUS
Ah! by the gods! if only Zeus does not espy me! Where is Pithetaerus?
PITHETAERUS
Ha! what is this? A masked man!
PROMETHEUS
Can you see any god behind me?
PITHETAERUS
No, none. But who are you, pray?

PROMETHEUS
What's the time, please?
EUELPIDES
The time? Why, it's past noon. Who are you?
PROMETHEUS
Is it the fall of day? Is it no later than that?
EUELPIDES
This is getting dull!
PROMETHEUS
What is Zeus doing? Is he dispersing the clouds or gathering them?
EUELPIDES
Take a look yourself!
PROMETHEUS
Come, I will raise my mask.
PITHETAERUS
Ah! Look, Euelpides it is none but Prometheus!
PROMETHEUS
Sh! Sh! speak lower!
PITHETAERUS
Why, what's the matter, Prometheus?
PROMETHEUS
Sh! sh! Don't call me by my name; you will be my ruin, if Zeus should see me here. But, if you want me to tell you how things are going in heaven, take this umbrella and shield me, so that the gods don't see me.
(Euelpides springs to hold the umbrella—and any time Prometheus moves, he has to scramble about to keep it over his head)
PITHETAERUS
I am listening, proceed!
PROMETHEUS
Zeus is done for.
PITHETAERUS
Ah! and since when, pray?
PROMETHEUS (walking about, E. struggling after)
Since you founded this city in the air. There is not a man who now sacrifices to the gods, the smoke of the incense no longer reaches us. Not the smallest offering comes! We fast as though it were the festival of Demeter. The barbarian gods, who are dying of hunger, are bawling like Illyrians and threaten to make an armed descent upon Zeus, if he does do something about it.
PITHETAERUS
What! there are other gods besides you, barbarian gods who dwell above Olympus?
PROMETHEUS
If there were no barbarian gods, who would be the patron of the Vikings and all those guys?
PITHETAERUS
Ah!!!
PROMETHEUS
Now, the are going to send deputies here to sue for peace. Now don't you treat with them, unless Zeus restores the sceptre to the birds.
PITHETAERUS
Hear that, Euelpides? We’ve got our wishes!
EUELPIDES
(puffing) well, not exactly…

PROMETHEUS
That is what I have come to tell you; for you know my constant and habitual goodwill towards men.
PITHETAERUS
Oh, yes! Thanks to you we get a good roast dinner, and nothing raw..
PROMETHEUS
I like to fire humans with inspiration. But the gods would flame me for it if
They knew. I’d be in real hot soup.
PITHETAERUS
Aye, by Zeus.
PROMETHEUS
I must return in all haste, so give me the umbrella..
(PROMETHEUS leaves..)

(From the other direction POSIDON enters, accompanied by HERACLES—moments later TRIBALLUS runs up behind them.)
POSIDON
This is the city of Cloud Cuckoo Land, to which we come as ambassadors. (To TRIBALLUS) Hi! what are you up to? Oh! democracy! Whither goes our gracious government? Are you come from the Thracian skies? Is it possible that Zeus has chosen such an envoy?
TRIBALLUS
Huh! Zeus send me, smash old men. I goooood at smashing, hashing, stomping, old men. Young men. Everybody else!
HERACLES
I sure don’t want to live in Thrace!
POSIDON
Well, they have kings there, no democracy. Kings can smash as they please.
HERACLES
Barbaric!
POSIDON
So of course he’s by far the most barbarous of all the gods.
HERACLES
And we’re not exactly good-tempered!
POSIDON
Tell me, Heracles, what are we going to do?
HERACLES
I have already told you that I want to strangle the fellow who dared to wall us out.
POSIDON
But, my friend, we are envoys of peace.
TRIBALLUA
Not me!
HERACLES
All the more reason why I wish to strangle him.
(PITHETAERUS comes up to them)
Ah! Heracles! welcome, welcome, Posidon—and who is this?
HERACLES
Triballus, god of Thrace.
EUELPIDES (comes up, nervous)
What's the matter?
HERACLES
The gods have sent us here as ambassadors to treat for peace.

POSIDON
We have no interest to serve in fighting you; as for you, be friends and we promise that you shall always have rain-water in your pools and the warmest of warm weather. So far as these points go we are ambassadors.
PITHETAERUS
We have never been the aggressors, and even now we are as well disposed for peace as yourselves, provided you agree to one equitable condition. namely, that Zeus yield his sceptre to the birds—and give us the power over all.
POSIDON
That's good enough for me. I vote for peace.
HERACLES
You wretch! Do you want to dethrone your own father?
PITHETAERUS
What an error.
EUELPIDES
Yeah, error. Big error! (to P.) It is?
PITHETAERUS (looks around, gets an idea)
Why, the gods will be much more powerful if the birds govern the earth. At present the mortals are hidden beneath the clouds, escape your observation, and commit perjury in your name; but if you had the birds for your allies, and a man, after
having sworn by the crow and Zeus, should fail to keep his oath, the crow would dive down upon him unawares and peck him good.
POSIDON
Well thought of, by Posidon!
HERACLES
Oh, I don’t know about this.
PITHETAERUS (to TRIBALLUS)
And you, what's your opinion?
TRIBALLUS
Peck! Smash! Burn!
PITHETAERUS
D'you see? he also approves. But listen, here is another thing in which we can serve you. If a man vows to offer a sacrifice to some god, and then wastes time or cheats we’ll punish his stinginess.
POSIDON
Ah! and how?
PITHETAERUS
While he is counting his money or is in the bath, a hawk will relieve him, before he knows it, either in coin or in clothes, of the value of a couple of sheep, and carry it to the god.
POSIDON
I vote for restoring them the sceptre.
HERACLES
We’ll ask Triballus. Well?
TRIBALLUS
Bash, crunch, smasho, burn, quake and thunder.
POSIDON
He seems to be going along with the idea
HERACLES
Oh! you blockhead! Why, you are seeking your own downfall. If Zeus were to die, after having yielded them his power, you would be ruined, for you are the heir of all
the wealth he will leave behind.

PITHETAERUS
Oh! That’s not it at all! Step aside, that I may have a word with you.

(He and Heracles come downstage—birds hasten to screen them from the others)

PITHETAERUS
Your brother god is getting the better of you, my poor friend. You won’t inherit everything anyway.
HERACLES
I won’t? What's that you tell me?
PITHETAERUS
Doesn’t Zeus have dozens of kids, beginning with powerful Athene?
HERACLES
But what if my father wished to give me everything?
PITHETAERUS
Posidon would be the first to lay claim to his wealth, and then all the rest of the children of Zeus will gang up on you.
HERACLES (shakes fist at sky)
And I get nothing!
PITHETAERUS
Why do you shake your fist at heaven? Do you want to fight? Why, be on my side, I will make you a king and will feed you on bird's milk and honey.
HERACLES
All right, I’ll be on your side.
(The Birds run back, and they rejoin the others)
HERACLES
I’m in.
POSIDON
How about our barbarian friend?
TRIBALLUS
Rumble smash thunderbolt.
HERACLES
He says give the sceptre.
POSIDON (resignedly)
All right, you two arrange the matter; make peace, since you wish it so; I'll hold my tongue.
PITHETAERUS
Let some one bring me a beautiful and magnificent tunic so I am ready to receive the power of the gods!
(HE goes to the thicket, where the Birds bring out a great piece of cloth and begin to drape it around him. Posidon and Heracles come together downstage.)
POSIDON
Good fellow. This will work.
HERACLES
I don’t know…he made me mad, talking about Zeus’s inheritance, but then I just remembered that Zeus will never die! I’ve been fooled!
POSIDON
Yes, but so have they!
HERACLES
What?



POSIDON
So we give them a scepter. Zeus can make another—after all, the power of the thunder bolt is not in the scepter, and so they will find out. Zeus just likes to use it to aim his bolts better.
HERACLES
And there is nothing they can do, for we kept our bargain—they asked for Zeus’s scepter, and they will get Zeus’s scepter.
POSIDON
Meanwhile those two silly old goats think they came here to live like gods, but instead they are going to work like slaves. Remember their promises—they’ll have to be on the watch over the humans day and night to see that they attend to the proper sacrifices and incense, and it’s us who can Kick back and relax.
HERACLES
Hah hah! So we shall let them celebrate, and think they won. But it is the gods who won—as usual.
POSIDON
Of course! That’s why we’re gods!
(Laughing, the three gods depart.)
BIRD DANCERS bring forward Pithetaerus and Euelpides, now resplendent in wrapped tunics, with gold paper crowns. The MUSIC BEGINS, and the birds dance around them. Chorus birds are on either side
MESSENGER 3 (appears, and points to the birds)
Oh, you, whose unbounded happiness I cannot express in words, thrice happy race of airy birds, receive your king in your fortunate dwellings.
BIRD 15
More brilliant than the brightest star
BIRD 1
that illumes the earth,
BIRD 14
he is approaching his glittering golden palace;
BIRD 2
the sun itself does not shine with more dazzling glory.
BIRD 13
In his hand he brandishes the lightning,
BIRD 3
the winged shaft of Zeus;
BIRD 12
perfumes of unspeakable sweetness
BIRD 4
pervade the ethereal realms.
BIRD 11
'Tis a glorious spectacle
BIRD 5
to see the clouds of incense wafting
BIRD 10
in light whirlwinds
BIRD 9
before the breath of the zephyr!
BIRD 8
But here he is himself.
BIRD 6
Divine Muse! let thy sacred lips begin with songs of happy omen.

BIRD 7
Fall back! to the right!
LEADER OF CHORUS
to the left! advance!
MESSENGER 3
Fly around this happy mortal, whom Fortune loads with her blessings. Oh! oh! what
grace! what beauty! All honor to this man! 'tis through him that the birds are called to such glorious destinies.
PITHETAERUS (holds up scepter)
I am delighted with your songs, I applaud your verses. Now celebrate the thunder that shakes the earth, the flaming lightning of Zeus and the terrible flashing thunderbolt.
BIRD 1
Oh, thou golden flash of the lightning!
BIRD 15
oh, ye divine shafts of flame,
BIRD 4
that Zeus has hitherto shot forth!
BIRD 12
Oh, ye rolling thunders,
BIRD 2
that bring down the rain!
BIRD 13
'Tis by the order of our king
BIRD 6
that ye shall now stagger the earth!
EUELPIDES
Let all the winged tribes of our fellow-citizens follow us through the air.
(They began to leave the stage)
BIRDS –dancing—all together
Alalai! Ie Paion! Tenilla kallinike! Loftiest art thou of gods!